Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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