You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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