we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
