...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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