If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize