you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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