so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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