i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
