So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She bit a glass in half.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
