i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
