it wasn't lemon gatorade
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
