Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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