wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
