the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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