sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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