Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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