I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
