last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
