i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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