two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
