Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
