I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
