I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
