I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This can only be settled by a dance off.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
