The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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