I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
