Please, let me fuck your mom
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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