the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize