hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
