Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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