I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
are you so shy because you have an std?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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