dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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