Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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