Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
