okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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