i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
