She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
