remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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