she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
