GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
