i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
