I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
