remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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