handjob tips. give me some.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
