My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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