U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
