Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
