Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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