So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
