The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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