when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
They have beer where we have blood.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
