I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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