Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
