I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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