I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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