You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
