So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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