I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
