No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
They have beer where we have blood.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
