Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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