Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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