did you get engaged???
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
