She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we're making bets on your personal life
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
