Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize