I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
