Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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