But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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