i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
