my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
