Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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