oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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