I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize